Nation’s Churchgoers Brace For Flood Of Pokémon GO Sermons

U.S.—As hit mobile Game Pokémon GO continues to take the nation and the world by storm, American churchgoers reported Friday that they are bracing themselves to endure an onslaught of sermons themed around the phenomenon.

One church in Atlanta has reportedly already sketched out plans for a “Gotta Catch ‘Em All” sermon series, in which parishioners would be encouraged to evangelize using sermon illustrations, acrostics, and the occasional Bible verse tied to the Pokémon universe. Another church in Florida has announced an exciting sermon series on man’s free will entitled, “I Choose You, Jesus!” according to local news reports.

“Paul became all things to all people,” one pastor from New York told reporters as he helped decorate the church’s stage as a giant Pokémon Center. “If that means I’ve got to dress up like Pikachu, then by Zapdos, that’s what I’m going to do!” The pastor then reportedly had to run off to help hang a giant Poké Ball from the rafters of the sanctuary.

Reacting to these reports and countless others, the nation’s Christians confirmed that they are mentally readying themselves for the forthcoming tidal wave of Pokémon references. “They’re coming,” the churchgoers confirmed. “The only question is, how long will they last?”

At publishing time, the faithful were also preparing for the coming assault of Pokémon GO themed books, with Christian bookstores already marketing a devotional entitled Discipleship—It’s Super Effective! and an inspirational work on self-esteem called Jesus Wants You To Be The Very Best—Like No One Ever Was!