Nation That Claims To Value Women Celebrates Life Of Hugh Hefner

U.S.—According to reports from around the nation, Americans who think of themselves as progressive and forward-thinking in their support for women’s rights and the dignity of females everywhere were celebrating the life of Hugh Hefner, for some reason, after his death Wednesday at the ripe old age of 91.

“RIP Hugh Hefner!” one man whose online profile described him as a “feminist, activist, social justice warrior” wrote. “Thanks for supporting the liberation of women!”

Newspapers and other media outlets across the country released touching memoirs, obituaries, and photographs of the mogul who made a fortune parading nude women in public like pieces of meat dangled in front of wild animals, heralding him as a progress-oriented leader of a sexual revolution. These very same news organizations like to think of themselves as modern and progressive, sources confirmed, despite Hefner’s empire being built upon women being reduced to nothing but objects meant for the sexual gratification of men.

Celebrities who have previously championed the cause of women’s rights joined in throughout the day Thursday, memorializing the man who made millions of dollars pioneering the mainstream objectification of women across the nation and world, as he continuously slept with hordes of ladies who were young enough to be his great-granddaughters and relentlessly perpetuated the notion that all women should be impossibly proportioned and absolutely gorgeous.

“RIP to the legendary Hugh Hefner! I’m so honored to have been a part of the Playboy team! You will be greatly missed! Love you Hef! Xoxo” tweeted Kim Kardashian after news broke of his death.

At publishing time, several hundred think pieces explaining that Playboy’s rampant and shameless objectification of women was actually “empowerment” had been published, sources confirmed.