Nation Approves Plan To Push Hollywood Into Pacific Ocean

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new law passed by Congress and signed into law by President Trump Thursday approves a plan to push Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean, sources in Washington are reporting.

The new law calls for federal officials to build or acquire a giant hand saw and make a rough incision along the outside of the central district of Los Angeles, leaving a large enough buffer so as to be sure that none of Hollywood would remain, allowing the scandal-ridden Tinseltown and its occupants to simply drift out to sea.

The plan comes amidst a continuous string of sexual scandals and horrific crimes that have come to light, perpetrated by some of the biggest Hollywood stars.

“For the well-being of all Americans, we’re just gonna hack it off,” Trump said at the bill’s signing. “It’s one of those cases like in the movies where you’ve got a really infected leg or arm and you’ve just gotta take action or else it’s gonna spread. It’s not good. It’s sad. But it’s gotta be done.”

“Yeah, sure, we’re gonna lose some of the other parts of L.A., and Santa Monica is toast, but that’s just collateral damage. It’s a fair deal,” he added.

The move was applauded by the majority of the nation, though some celebrities in New York voiced concern about the safety of their own city.