Mormon Missionaries Flee In Terror After Realizing They Had Knocked On David Platt’s Door

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Falling over several times while squealing barely-coherent apologies, two Mormon missionaries fled on their bikes in abject terror after knocking on a door during routine proselytizing Saturday and being greeted by David Platt, President of the Southern Baptist Convention’s International Mission Board and author of bestselling books Radical and Follow Me.

Platt, who was reportedly home for several hours after returning from a two-month-long mission in an undisclosed, hostile location in the Middle East, was overjoyed to see Elders Jonathan and Matthew standing on his front porch, and greeted them warmly. The elders, in return, stood aghast and frozen with fear upon realizing their grave mistake—their paralysis subsiding when Platt reportedly asked if there was “something [they] would like to discuss on this fine Saturday.”

After a very brief struggle during which each elder tried to shove the other toward Platt to buy themselves some extra time, the young Mormon men mounted their bicycles and “took off like a shot, wailing and yelling,” according to sources.

At publishing time, Platt was reportedly sitting on his front porch, hoping the young men would return in the next couple of hours before he has to depart for a mission in an undisclosed, hostile location in East Asia.