Moral Relativist Applauds Ingenuity Of Man Who Just Stole His Car

STEUBENVILLE, OH—When self-described moral relativist and certified accountant John Hampson walked out of his local Wal-Mart Supercenter to discover his Ford Mustang GT being stolen, onlookers expected him to charge the thief and attempt to stop the carjacking.

But Hampson doesn’t believe in objective moral standards, and so, acting in a manner consistent with his lack of beliefs in universal concepts of right and wrong, he merely began nodding in approval and clapping loudly for the man’s clever method of jimmying his car door lock, forcing the door open, popping the ignition, and starting the vehicle with a flat-head screwdriver.

“Man, this guy is good,” Hampson said. “Great job, dude! I applaud your willingness to take any action necessary for your own advancement at the expense of others. You’re the real hero, carjacker guy!”

“I am completely unable to condemn your actions, so I congratulate you on your initiative and creative problem-solving in quickly and efficiently stealing my vehicle, bro!” he yelled.

As the man sped off in the car he had paid over $38,000 for, Hampson attempted to get the bewildered crowd that had gathered to join him in a standing ovation for the carjacker’s selfish behavior, which he called a “completely natural human instinct” that no one should condemn.