Modern-Day Prophet Batting An Impressive .300

MIAMI, FL—As the long summer stretch gets underway, local prophet-evangelist-apostle-healer David Bakker’s accurate prophecy average (APA) is hovering just above .300, edging out all other prophesiers to take the lead within the charismatic movement.

Going into Sunday’s prayer and healing service, Bakker was sitting at a still-respectable .292 average, but he had a strong showing at the service to overtake two other apostle-healers and take the number-one spot. According to several in attendance, Bakker stepped up to the microphone and prophesied boldly that a local woman was having some kind of trouble in her life, which turned out to be true, setting the tone for an impressive showing.

But trouble brewed in the second hour of the meeting, as Bakker got up to prophesy that Jesus would return before he finished his sentence, but was immediately proven wrong. “I got a little too excited and swung for the fences,” Bakker said in a post-service interview. “Once in a while you just want to let one rip, you know?”

Still, Bakker redeemed himself with a walk-off prophecy claiming that someone in the congregation was struggling with finances, which prompted everyone in attendance to begin weeping over the stunning accuracy of such a claim.

If Bakker continues his hot streak, he may overtake modern Pentecostalism’s heavy hitters to set the record for best APA in a single season, which currently sits at .329—an incredible accuracy rate of almost one in three.