Millennial Diagnosed With Tragic Inability To Even

BOTHELL, WA—According to reports, local 22-year-old Chloe Kowalski’s world was torn apart Friday morning, as the millennial barista was diagnosed with a rare disease that prevents her from having the ability to even.

“I just—I can’t even,” Kowalski reportedly sobbed on her boyfriend’s shoulder after the appointment with her regular doctor, which she had scheduled after slowly losing her even functionality over the course of several months.

“I can’t even right now. I can’t even, ever,” she was overheard saying through tears before breaking down.

“We’ve never seen a case quite like this before,” Dr. Elizabeth Eden told reporters gathered outside the clinic where Kowalski’s devastating diagnosis was handed down. “Many millennials will experience short bouts of not being able to even for several seconds, often triggered by a cute video of a cat or other small animal, or perhaps something online that’s ‘so relatable.'”

“But Kowalski—she may never even again, at least not without assistance,” she said, shaking her head grimly, according to reporters.

Reached for comment, Kowalski noted that she “still can’t even.”

“I seriously just can’t even, you guys,” she confirmed.