Man Takes On Persona Of 17th Century Puritan When Praying

JAMESTOWN, TN—Patrons of a local pizza buffet were awed and confused on Monday afternoon when a father of two in a corner booth reportedly took on the persona of a 17th Century Puritan to say grace over his family’s meal.

The restaurant, half full at the time, was reportedly quiet as most diners waited for the next pepperoni pizza to appear; a sausage, pepper, and olive special sat forlornly under a flickering heat lamp.

Local woman Dawn Salisbury was contemplating the ice level in her sweet tea when a booming voice split the low murmur of the pizzeria, saying, “O eternal triune God, thou hast blessed us with bounty incalculable.”

“I froze in my chair,” reported Salisbury. “Who talks like that? He went on for at least five minutes, all ‘thees’ and ‘thous’ and ‘O’s’. I go to church myself, but we talk like normal people, and the volume’s not on 11.”

When the server brought the pepperoni pie out mid-prayer, no one moved. “We were all just staring,” explained college student Jordan Hill. “He had his arms up, and his kids were dying to dig in, just salivating. I don’t get it. It’s just pizza, man—I don’t know if we need to ‘beseech’ the ‘Father of lights in whom there is no variation or shadow due to change’ to bless it to ‘our bodies, hearts, and hands that we might serve thee.’ It’s not even good pizza.”

At prayer’s end, the children reportedly blurted “Amen” and attacked their pizza as conversation in the dining room struggled to return to normal. The buffet’s resident Puritan—who confirmed to the waitress that he always employs antiquated language, dialect, and gesticulations when praying aloud—ate four meat lovers, three ham and onion, and two cheese slices to the blessing of his body, heart, and hands for service.