CARMEL, IN—Charismatic believer Jon Baker received the coveted gift of speaking in tongues upon painfully stubbing his toe in a dark room Friday, sources confirmed.
Baker was reportedly trying to retrieve something from his basement without turning any lights on when he nailed his big toe against the corner of a bookshelf.
“Shhhadadadaarrrakamaaaa!” he reportedly cried out once the pain hit him, his eyes welling up with tears. “Ffffwwoooo shmarshkerrrrrrr!”
“Rrrrrrrakakakakaakaaaaaa!” he added in a deep growl.
According to sources close to Baker, the man has been longing to receive the coveted gift of tongues for years, to no avail. But all that changed as he sat on the floor in his basement, red-faced and speaking in heavenly languages.
Unfortunately, at publishing time, a disappointed Baker had reported that the spiritual gift seemed to have worn off within a few minutes.