Man Knows He’s Entered Theological Deep Waters As Spellcheck Stops Working

GRAND HAVEN, MI—Amateur theologian Scott Baker had all confidence in his systematically ordered theology eroded away while arguing on Facebook Friday as his Chrome browser’s spell check feature ceased to offer any meaningful help whatsoever. He was engaged in several debates in various Facebook groups in which the red squiggly lines stood in sharp contrast to his meticulously typed words, airtight logic, and cutting rhetorical barbs.

“Amillennialism…,” a noticeably shaken Scott reportedly muttered to himself in the cold glow of his laptop monitor as he attempted to debate in a Facebook group. “Yeah, two Ls and two Ns is correct. Or is it? Man, I’m in deep.” He continued on as a quick Google search only mildly fortified his confidence in his rendering of the words “premillennialism” and “postmillennialism” as well before finalizing his reply.

In another group Scott had been arguing with charismatics and hyperdispensationalists about the topics of pneumatology, compatibalism, cessationism, and continuationism, as his confidence in the spelling of each word grew weaker and weaker each time he typed them and faced the ominous judgment of the red, squiggly lines underneath them.

“I think it is getting to him,” his roommate Benjamin told reporters Friday. “He keeps coming up to me now so I can read all of his posts before he hits enter. At a certain point, who cares if supralapsarianism is spelled correctly?”

“How can you accuse someone in a paedobaptism debate of eisegesis when spell check doesn’t even recognize that I am accusing this guy of eisegesis? Maybe I should just stop debating people altogether,” exclaimed an exasperated Scott.

At publishing time, Scott was seen entering into a Facebook group on presuppositionalist apologetics despite the red squiggly lines under both words in the search bar.