Man Encounters Morning Traffic, Immediately Loses Salvation

LOS ANGELES, CA—Upon encountering a morning traffic jam on the way into his office Tuesday, local believer Paul Wilson immediately lost his salvation due to his extreme outburst of anger, sources confirmed.

Shortly after taking 30 minutes to merge onto the 405 freeway, Wilson exploded in a flurry of profanity and cursing, sacrificing his eternal salvation thanks to the sudden transformation into a flaming ball of rage.

He had reportedly been singing along to his favorite DC Talk CD when he beheld the traffic stretched out for miles, he and his fellow commuters doomed to crawl across West Los Angeles at a snail’s pace for the good part of the morning. Witnesses claim a darkness seemed to fall upon his face, with some stating they actually saw his salvation exit the vehicle and return to heaven as he slammed his horn and began screaming and gesturing to the other drivers around him.

At publishing time, Wilson had begun pronouncing eldritch, demonic curses upon a man in a Prius who politely attempted to merge in front of him, causing him to miss his exit, according to witnesses.