U.S.—The results of a joint study by LifeWay Research and Ligonier Ministries are in, and it turns out that over 87% of self-described evangelicals in America believe the term “theology” to refer to some kind of sinister virus, deadly disease, or debilitating condition.
“I hear old people talk about theology sometimes, so I figure it’s like arthritis or dementia or something,” a 27-year-old participant residing in Portland told reporters. “Ugh, I hope I never develop the theologies. It sounds awful.”
“Theology? Yeah, I think I gave a couple bucks to a guy outside Safeway who was raising money to end world theology,” a 42-year-old man in Stockton, California said. “I fully support the cause. I wouldn’t wish a case of theology upon my worst enemy.”
A mother in New York City even reportedly claimed she had taken her kids in to get their theology vaccine before the cold winter months kick in.
While the vast majority of Christians were confident that they had heard the term “theology” defined as some sort of epidemic, other definitions that registered on the LifeWay poll included “a constellation,” “one of those Swedish metal bands,” “the final boss in Metal Gear Solid,” and “a rare variety of kumquat.”
Although many are mourning the results of LifeWay’s poll as the state of theology in America continues to deteriorate, the encouraging results of one poll question suggest that just over half of Christians can now spell “Bible” correctly, and even identify the book when placed on the table in front of them.