Op-Ed: Looks Like We Forgot To Defund Planned Parenthood Again Like We Promised—Shucks, Sorry, Darnit—Maybe Next Time

Fellow Americans: we want to take a quick moment of your time to apologize. You probably heard that we just passed a huge spending deal—and it looks like we totally forgot to defund Planned Parenthood again, even though we promised you countless times we would do exactly that if you would just give us the chance. Dangit!

Shucks, we’re really sorry.

Despite the fact that self-proclaimed pro-life Republicans control both houses of Congress as well as the White House, for goodness sake, I guess we just sort of blanked there. So, unfortunately, the nation’s largest abortion provider, which kills more than 300,000 unborn babies annually, will continue to receive more than half a billion taxpayer dollars from the federal government every single year. Seriously, more than 500 million dollars. $543,700,000 last year, to be exact. We’re just going to continue handing it to them.

Man, what a slip of the mind!

Especially since they’re going to spend 30 million of those dollars we give them to oppose every one of us in the next election cycle while pressing their extremist pro-abortion agenda into the faces of every American. Whoops!

Fellow Americans, we want you to know that this lapse in memory will only serve to harden our resolve to defund Planned Parenthood the very next chance we get. We’re not just saying that so you’ll vote for us, either—we mean it. We promise.

Respectfully yours,

Your Republican House
Your Republican Senate
Your Republican President