Longtime Church Member Self-Identifies As Visitor To Get Good Parking Spot

MAPLE OAK, WV—Longtime First Baptist Church member George Ivory self-identified as a visitor Sunday morning in an attempt to park in the premier visitor’s parking section of the church’s lot, sources confirmed.

Ivory pulled his ’77 Buick Park Avenue into a prime parking space clearly marked ‘VISITOR,’ waving and smiling at confused parking attendees, according to witnesses.

“I just let the parking lot ministry guys know that today, my personal choice was to self-identify as a visitor of the church,” Ivory said. “I have to remain true to my feelings about who I am, and today, I’m a 22-year-old female visiting the church for the first time.”

The 68-year-old also received a welcome kit, a free donut, a free coffee, and special attention from all members of the pastoral staff as part of his newly claimed identity as a first-time church visitor.

At publishing time, Ivory had confirmed his plan to self-identify as a different first-time church visitor each Sunday for the foreseeable future.