Local Woman Now Pickier Over Starbucks Drink Order Than Theology

BLUE SPRINGS, MO—Sources close to Anna Chapman, 39, have confirmed that the local woman and self-proclaimed believer in Christ is now pickier over the specific ingredients and preparation methods of her favorite Starbucks beverage than her theology.

Chapman reportedly visits her local Starbucks coffee shop twice a day. She will only attend the location on the corner of Hamner Avenue and Quinns Street, as that specific store employs the only baristas knowledgeable enough to get her order exactly right. Meanwhile, she attends whatever church has the coolest name and the most convenient location in her area.

Whenever she visits the coffee shop, she orders her favorite beverage. The drink is an off-menu specialty concoction that must be specially prepared using 0.5% milk, virgin espresso glasses, a “dash” of peppermint and a “swirl” of coconut oil, and hand-picked blueberries from the slopes of Mount Vesuvius. Her baristas are well aware that if any of these elements are not to her liking, the drink will be sent back countless times until it has been made to her satisfaction, all while she has whatever devotional first caught her eye at the Christian bookstore tucked under her arm.

According to sources, when recently asked about her theological leanings, Chapman replied, “My what?” and went on to explain that her favorite authors are “Mark Lucado” and “that Joyce lady from TV.”