Local Megachurch Now Offers Belief-Matching Guarantee

SEATTLE, WA—Lifeline Community Church’s Pastor of Business Development confirmed Friday that the 5,000-member congregation would now be offering a belief-matching guarantee, promising to lower its doctrinal standard to meet whatever any competing congregation believes, “or your money back.”

Church visitors are invited to bring in a printed-out copy of any religion or competing church’s statement of faith or else a recorded sermon, show it to an usher or pastor, and the church will immediately drop a biblical doctrine in order to match the watered-down doctrine being espoused.

“Whatever beliefs you bring in here, we’ll match. Why go anywhere else?” Pastor of Marketing Kip Budlong said in a television commercial advertising the new policy. “If you come to our church and are taught a qualifying doctrine, and then go elsewhere and find that doctrine being taught in a manner less faithful to the Scriptures, return the following Sunday with proof and we’ll immediately lower the bar or just chuck the teaching altogether.”

At publishing time, the church had also announced an upcoming “Believe One Apostasy, Get One Free!” sale.