POWDER SPRINGS, GA—Shortly after receiving delivery of a sleek new Thinline Bible he had purchased on Amazon, local man John Miller began bending it back and forth vigorously, folding pages, scraping nicks in the cover, and throwing it around his house to indicate frequent use, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“I can’t show up at church with a Bible that isn’t worn and tattered,” he told reporters. “I might as well wear a sign that says ‘I don’t read God’s Word.'”
To remedy the problem, Miller reportedly utilized a number of different Bible-distressing techniques to make his new copy of God’s Word look as though it’s been through years of daily use, including hurling it against a wall, immersing it in a tub of water, and placing it outside to sit in the sun.
“The new-baseball-mitt treatment works really well, too: put some vaseline on it, bend the Bible around a hard ball, wrap it up really tight with a belt, and stick it under your bed for a few nights.”
Asked if he considers it appropriate to intentionally make his Bible look more used than it is, Miller was quick to point to God’s creation of the world. “God gave new things the appearance of age, did He not?”