Local Man Confident New iPhone Will Fulfill All His Innermost Longings

GREER, SC—Local man Phil Arlington is reportedly “confident” that Apple’s newest iPhone will finally be the object that fulfills his innermost longings.

Reclining at his desk while speaking to reporters Tuesday, Arlington proudly displayed his collection of obsolete Apple products, ranging from the very first iteration of the iPhone all the way through his iPhone 7 Plus, which was cutting edge until the week after it was released.

“Some people question whether the newest iPhone will be the one to do the trick,” Arlington said excitedly. “But I mean, this beast has a wide array of new features and even a processor that’s marginally faster than the last one—imagine that! Plus it’s more expensive, so you know that means it’s better. Surely this one will fulfill my most innate desire for purpose and fulfillment…” Arlington’s speech then trailed off as he stared out the window at nothing of note, the 32-year-old mechanical contractor sighing heavily for no reason in particular.

“Maybe I’ll get it in a new color—that’ll definitely satisfy my inherent ache for meaning,” he added, reassuring himself that the inanimate object would make him whole inside.

At publishing time, Arlington had begun looking at new trucks to replace his 2-year-old car, which was still in top working order but had reportedly somehow failed to fill the gaping hole in his heart.