DALTON, GA—In a discussion they said was “long overdue,” local couple Todd and Emily McKinley confirmed that they sat down with their 7-year-old son Peter Friday in order to gently inform the boy that the characters in the Bible were in fact humans, and not a cast of anthropomorphic vegetables as he had previously been led to believe.
“We know this is hard for you, but you can’t go the rest of your life thinking David was a pre-adolescent asparagus,” Todd McKinley tenderly explained. “He didn’t hop around or wear a yellow hat on his head. He was a person, like you and me. Do you understand, bud? I need you to say that you understand, OK sport?”
“We’re so sorry for keeping this from you for so long, but we needed to be sure you were ready,” he added.
“See, son, it just wouldn’t make any sense if the great empire of Babylon were ruled over by a giant talking zucchini. Do you see how maybe that’s a little outlandish?” Emily chimed in, stroking the boy’s hair, a look of concern on her face.
According to sources, the McKinley boy took the news well, simply asking his parents if he could go back upstairs and play Minecraft.