Local Calvinist’s Sense Of Superiority Visible From Space

MIAMI, FL—A local Calvinist’s sense of superiority has gotten so large it is now visible from low Earth orbit, a NASA correspondent reported Tuesday morning.

Yuri Malenchenko, a Russian cosmonaut aboard the International Space Station, spotted the dark structure as the vessel passed over the Southern United States Monday. His fellow crew members confirmed the sighting, saying the growth of the Calvinist’s smug sense of self-righteousness over his choice of theological system dwarfed all other objects visible with the naked eye at approximately 400 kilometers above sea level, casting a large shadow over Miami and surrounding areas.

The Calvinist in question was found to be local man John Patton, 23, whose recent discovery and adoption of Reformed theology has left him thinking of himself as better and more intelligent than everyone he knows.

“I’m just grateful that the astronauts and others will now encounter the Doctrines of Grace because of my superior intellect and vast knowledge of election, predestination, and the sovereignty of God in all things,” the college student told reporters. “All glory to God, of course.”

Patton then directed reporters to his personal blog, which he says they will love, provided they “know anything at all about biblical Christianity.”