IRVINE, CA—According to sources close to local man Alan Carter, the believer in Christ exhibits absolutely no evidence of being saved, from the time he wakes up each morning until the moment he has his morning cup of coffee at his local coffee shop.
Observers claim the committed Christian is totally unrecognizable as a follower of Jesus throughout his morning routine and commute down the 405 freeway, right up until he begins sipping his favorite coffee beverage at the Starbucks near his work.
“He’s angry, bitter, impatient, unkind—he displays absolutely no fruit of the Spirit until he gets some caffeine in his system,” a co-worker told reporters. “He’s like a completely different person.”
Thursday morning, a witness claimed that Carter came in the office and immediately snapped at a co-worker, demanding that she put the finishing touches a project they had been working on together “within the hour.” He then stormed out of the building to the Starbucks across the street to take a short coffee break.
But Carter reportedly returned to the building fifteen minutes later an entirely new man, thanks to the cup of coffee in his hand.
“Staci! Nice to see you this morning. Did you do something new with your hair? I’ve been praying for your son’s SAT exams. I know he’s going to do great!” Carter said to the woman he had berated earlier. “Hey Bill, are we still on for Bible study at lunch? I’m really looking forward to it!” he then said to a friend passing by him in the hall, according to sources.
The believer reportedly continued to exhibit a supernatural amount of grace and love for his fellow man throughout the day after partaking of his morning cup of coffee, all the way up until he woke up the next morning and repeated the cycle yet again.