Legalists Name Daughter ‘Grace’

MARLBOROUGH, MA—According to sources close to Blake and Jenna Ryder, the couple, known for being “insufferably legalistic” to everyone close the them, have ironically chosen to name their newborn daughter “Grace.”

The Ryders, who judge anyone that doesn’t live up to their own personal convictions and moral standards, picked the name so that other couples would know how spiritual they are, sources confirmed.

“A good, biblical name like ‘Grace’ alerts everyone to our very high standard of righteousness,” Blake Ryder told reporters outside the delivery room. “We considered going with something like ‘Charity’ or ‘Constance,’ but ‘Grace’ is really the ultimate name if you want people to stand in awe of your godliness as a parent.”

When offered a cigar to celebrate the birth of his daughter, the man condemned the practice as a damnable sin far beneath someone as righteous as he, before sneering at several other new parents at the hospital who hadn’t named their kids after someone or something in the Bible.