Latest Biblical Diet Plan Purees Scriptures Into Healthy Shakes

FOREST LAKE, IA—After having great personal weight loss results with the program, local pastor Vinnie Parsons recently signed an agreement with Zondervan to publish The Holistic Bible Eating Plan, a book and exercise set which focuses on ways to shred the Scriptures into healthy shakes.

The book’s deluxe package will reportedly include a high-speed blender, with which program participants can puree almost any printing of the Bible into a low-carb, high-fiber drink for easy consumption, whether at home or on the go.

“I was looking for a way to really take my personal studies in biblical weight loss to the next level,” Parsons said in an interview with USA Today. “Well, I think I was finally able to distill scriptural fitness regimens into one easy book—The Holistic Bible Eating Plan lets congregations simultaneously lose weight, get fit, and feast on the Word of God.”

Along with Parson’s book, Zondervan will reportedly be offering supplemental snack bars made from extracted juices of discarded systematic theologies and weight loss pills concocted from old hymnals.