HOUSTON, TX—The rumors are confirmed: local authorities have instructed Lakewood Church to issue eclipse glasses to any churchgoer who might catch a glimpse of Joel Osteen’s brilliant teeth.
“It’s just no longer worth the risk,” public health official Riley Carnicella told reporters. “Every weekend in this great city, 52,000 people are exposed. Who knows how much irreversible eye damage has already occurred.”
Reporters caught up with one Lakewood staff member for comment. “Eclipse glasses are now required at all times inside the arena,” assistant financial director Brandon LoPresti explained. “When Victoria is up there, the knock-off ones will work. But when Joel ascends the stage, only certified ISO 12312-2:2015 pairs are safe. That bestselling smile can be hazardous for the uninitiated.”
For a small fee, Lakewood also plans to provide pinhole-projection viewing areas in select locations around the arena.
The only safe time to remove the glasses is during totality, when Osteen stops smiling as he explains God’s wrath against sin—an event experts say occurs every 400 years.