HOUSTON, TX—According to sources within Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church, attendees can now take advantage of a new service allowing them to check their Bibles at the door before entering the sanctuary for an uplifting message.
“People who come here to watch Joel preach typically won’t need their Bibles,” a Lakewood spokesperson told reporters. “Most of the time, the Bible just rests awkwardly on people’s laps, and is never opened once during the sermon. With our new Bible check, people can conveniently leave the Word of God outside the sanctuary, freeing their hands for when they need to clap or pass the offering plate.”
“The Bible usually just ends up getting in the way during the service,” he added. “But this way, guests can still be seen carrying their Bibles to and from the front doors of the church, like good Christians.”