GASTON, KY—Independent Baptist Fellowship of Kentucky (AV 1611) remains the world’s staunchest defender of early web design practices, a report released by the Federal Communications Commission revealed Monday.
The church of 27 members hosts, runs, and maintains what the FCC report describes as the world’s most archaic website, accurately reflecting the beliefs of its pastor that the church should stay as close as possible to early web design standards as well as computer hardware and technology.
The website, which is compatible with only Internet Explorer 4.01 and Netscape Navigator 4.08, features a garish red font, which declares in capital letters dripping with blood that the NIV and similar translations are “Satan’s favorite Bible PER-versions.” The text is laid over a background including a tiled pattern of spinning GIFs showing Satan’s head cackling maniacally, making it barely readable to the modern eye.
“Any changes or updates to the old web design practices are the devil’s way of undermining the gospel and our Lord Jesus,” pastor Tony Allen told reporters Thursday. “So-called modern ‘webpage versions’ have eliminated entire spinning GIFs and unreadable text colors from the canon, not to mention God’s favorite font—Comic Sans.” He then produced an extensive table detailing all the differences between original web design standards and modern “abominations,” including Web 2.0 designs, Google Chrome-compatible pages, and HTML5 code.
At publishing time, Allen had shot down a proposal from his deacon board suggesting the church upgrade the church office’s rotary telephone to a corded touch-tone model, calling the latter a “demonic imitation of the real deal.”