John Piper Opens Christian Hedonism Resort

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In an effort to promote the doctrine of Christian Hedonism, John Piper announced Thursday the grand opening of Desiring God’s official Christian Hedonism Resort & Spa, a world-class resort situated on a private island paradise in the Pacific Ocean.

The resort features seventeen swimming pools, a water park, miles of private beaches, and thirteen full-service juice bars.

“At His right hand are pleasures forevermore—and now you can get a little taste of those pleasures at our award-winning resort. Indulge yourself at the Blaise Pascal Buffet and or rejuvenate your mind and body in our Hedonist Hot Springs,” Piper said. “Experience the glory of God’s creation while snorkeling at our private reef, or go zip-lining from the peak of the dormant volcano of Mount Edwards.”

“Don’t waste your life going about your normal routine—God is most glorified in you when you’re sipping a grape juice on one of our many luxurious pool decks,” Piper added.

The hotel will also feature a massive library filled with works by Puritan authors, nightly shows featuring an on-retainer Jonathan Edwards impersonator, live “Ask Pastor John” sessions, and state-of-the-art sensory deprivation tanks to help Christians really focus on God.

But it’s not all fun and games: the resort will enforce a strict dress code allowing only beige suit-jackets, according to sources.