John Piper Now Awarding Video Games With Official ‘Waste Of Your Life’ Seal Of Approval

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Representatives for Desiring God Ministries confirmed Monday that Pastor John Piper will be breaking into the competitive world of video game journalism, offering only the very best games that meet his stringent requirements the new “Waste Of Your Life” seal of approval.

Games that promise to take up hundreds of hours of your time, in which you could be evangelizing your friends and neighbors instead, will be the front-runners for the new award.

“Any fun, addicting video game that threatens to take away hundreds of hours of your one and only, precious, God-given life, will be awarded Piper’s coveted ‘Waste Of Your Life’ badge,” Tony Reinke of Desiring God said at a press conference Monday. “Piper’s not just going to hand these things out willy-nilly, either—a game really has to impress JP if it’s going to be officially branded a total waste of your precious time on earth.”

According to Reinke, game developers are already flooding the Desiring God offices with review copies, in hopes to score one of the legendary awards from John Piper.

Piper has already awarded a handful of the badges to a few lucky games, giving Super Mario Odyssey and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild rave reviews along with slapping a “Don’t Waste Your Life” badge on the games’ boxes. Of Breath of the Wild, Piper wrote, “A breathtaking, spellbinding game world, full of secrets to uncover and hidden areas to explore—which means it’s a total waste of the quickly diminishing time left before you face God in eternity. Highly recommended, if you don’t care about honoring God every second of your life.”