Joel Osteen Sees Own Shadow, Predicts Another Year Of Taking Bible Out Of Context

HOUSTON, TX—Taking his luxury golf cart from the front door of his large Houston home down to his mailbox to fetch the paper Thursday morning, prosperity preacher Joel Osteen reportedly looked down to see his own shadow, a traditional sign indicating that he will be preaching the Bible out of context for yet another year.

“Well, would you look at that. There it is, right there,” Osteen reportedly said as he smiled and pointed down to his shadow on his driveway.

Local news teams excitedly gathered around his mansion to witness the annual tradition, wherein the megachurch pastor is said to predict a whole year of grossly twisting and misinterpreting Bible passages by seeing his own shadow projected onto the ground.

According to tradition, should Osteen ever not see his own shadow, he will declare an early end to taking the Bible out of context, but as of publishing time, Osteen has seen his shadow every year of his ministry.