Jesus, Disciples Had British Accents, Scholar Claims

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Most scholars throughout the centuries have agreed that Jesus of Nazareth probably spoke Aramaic.

But through an emerging form of linguistic analysis, scholars at the University of Oxford have discovered that Jesus and His disciples likely spoke perfect English with a British accent, it was announced Tuesday.

“We reviewed footage of Jesus and His followers in various films throughout the years,” Dr. Timothy Braxton told reporters. “And we noticed that every single one of them depicted Jesus with a British accent, so we began to wonder if there was something there.”

“Turns out, all those movies were right.”

Sure enough, after intense study of the Scriptures and extrabiblical resources, Braxton and his team came to the “inevitable” conclusion that Jesus never spoke Aramaic at all, but likely interacted with Israelites and others he encountered by speaking in a British accent consistent with 20th-century films on the life of Christ.

“Characters like Judas and Pilate obviously spoke in a British accent, because they were evil,” Braxton added. “But we’re now quite certain that the Jews of Galilee favored speaking English in 19th-century Victorian accents.”