MAYADIN, SYRIA—Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State, released a statement Wednesday confirming that ISIS would be immediately surrendering its fight to establish a powerful caliphate after viewing an interview in which pop singer Katy Perry said, “The greatest thing we can do just unite and love on each other and like, no barriers, no borders, like, we all need to just co-exist.”
The powerful statement which single-handedly dismantled ISIS came shortly after a terrorist attack on civilians in Manchester killed 22 people, and led the reclusive head of ISIS to hold an emergency press conference declaring the group’s jihad finished.
“Despite my previous belief that we must slay the infidel in the name of Allah until Islam rules the world, I just can’t deny that Katy’s words have touched my heart,” al-Baghdadi said as he symbolically held up and then tossed an AK-47 onto the ground. “It is time for the mujahideen to start uniting and loving on people.”
“I just can’t believe we didn’t see it before. It’s all so clear now,” he added.
After the video started to go viral in ISIS cave networks and strongholds, thousands of terrorists began pouring out into the streets of Mayadin, giving one another spontaneous group hugs, destroying their weapons, and planting trees and flowers in an attempt to begin rebuilding the Middle East into a utopian wonderland.
According to reports, al-Baghdadi further confirmed that a recent advertisement in which Kendall Jenner offered a group of riot police a Pepsi was also influential in his decision to immediately cease their murderous reign of terror and lead ISIS down a path of peace.