I Am More Offended Than You

Look, I know you’re probably offended right now, as any reasonable person would be. There are problematic, toxic signs of patriarchy, white supremacy, and Western imperialism all around us. Just go to a McDonald’s and order a cheeseburger, and you’re already pummeled with enough triggering sights, sounds, and smells to give any sane person PTSD.

There is so much to be offended about, but I want to be super clear about one thing:

I am more offended than you are.

Oh yes, you might think the latest Progressive Insurance commercial’s depiction of ‘Flo’ as an obvious tool of the cisgendered patriarchy is problematic—as you should. But did you scream at the television when it aired, and then take a baseball bat to the screen, like I did? And did you curl up in a ball and babble incoherently for twelve hours afterward, like I did?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

Just last week, the barista at Starbucks used a pronoun I hadn’t identified with since several days prior. I’m sure you’d be mildly offended at that too, but would you have thrown the coffee in her face, leapt up on the table, and began screaming into a megaphone about smashing all the systemic signs of institutionalized racism, like I did?

No? Well, then I guess you just have to concede that I am more offended than you are.

Sorry, you can’t all be as woke as I am.