Horrifying Creature Born Of Melted Secular CDs Rises From Camp Bonfire

JUNIPER LAKE, RI—Juniper Lake Christian Camp is usually an idyllic scene of spirituality and outdoor recreation. But at the inaugural spring camp-out Monday, a scene right out of a horror film reportedly erupted as high schoolers came forward to toss their secular music CDs into the blazing bonfire in an act of commitment to God and to true, extreme faith.

As the last chords of “Create In Me A Clean Heart” faded into silence, a horrifying abomination arose from the heart of the blazing bonfire, according to several sources at the scene.

The monstrosity, described as resembling a demonic hybrid of Justin Bieber, The Weeknd, and Iron Maiden’s “Eddie” mascot, reportedly lunged for campers while moaning, “GIVE ME YOUR SOOOOOOULS!” in a voice eerily reminiscent of Jack White.

“It was chaos,” camper Zac Reuther told reporters Tuesday from his hospital bed where he was being treated deep lacerations on his abdomen. “The beast was cackling and dabbing and trying to eat the kids . . . I’m pretty sure it was singing ‘Hotline Bling’ at one point? I don’t—can you tell me if Ricky made it out alive?”

According to Camp Chief Dirk Houston, this is the first such incident the camp has encountered. “Luckily, we’ve heard of this sort of thing from other Christian camps, so we knew what to do. We rallied the worship band’s guitarist and djembe player, encircled the beast, and joined in a chorus of Michael W. Smith’s ‘Step by Step,’ and the entity slowly melted while screaming out a cacophonous mixture of Fetty Wap and Radiohead.”

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