HELL—Boasting a .643 win percentage and a 45–19 record at home, the Chicago Cubs have the best record in baseball and are easy favorites to win the World Series this season. While this is great news for their desperate fan base, none of whom were living the last time their beloved North Siders won the big show, it’s bad news for the underworld, as multiple sources confirmed Friday that Hell is bracing for a potential deep freeze in the event that the unthinkable happens and the Cubs win the World Series.
When Maddon’s squad did not collapse after the All-Star break in usual fashion, demonic authorities reportedly began relocating important supplies and personnel, preparing for the worst. “We want to be ready,” said one source, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We weren’t prepared in 2003—everyone thought it was a joke—but the Boys in Blue nearly won it all. Thankfully, we dispatched a legion to possess Cubs fan Steve Bartman just in time, and he slapped that foul ball away from Moisés Alou. But it was close—we were really sweating it out down here.”
“I mean, really, it’s the Cubs—so yeah, this is probably a bit of an overreaction,” he added. “But better safe than sorry.”