HEAVEN—If you want to hitch a ride to the heavenly kingdom and back, you’d better get your tickets as soon as possible. The Heaven Department of Tourism announced Monday that 2017 round-trip packages to the pearly gates have been sold out for months, and reservations for 2018 are selling out “very quickly.”
Do not delay too much longer if you’re hoping to book for next year, especially if you are a teenager or older—cute children with vivid imaginations are being given first crack at the coveted heaven-and-back travel experience, according to the release. Those with a propensity for embellishment and connections in the publishing industry are also getting preferential access to tickets.
The Department also warned that a mere handful of VIP packages are left, which feature meet-and-greets with Caucasian Jesus and the Virgin Mary, visits with deceased relatives, and a chance to win a variety of door prizes you can bring home with you, including lucrative book deals, motion picture contracts, interview fees, speaking fees, and an array of other product royalties.
Heaven’s tourism business is booming like never before, according to the statement, so if you hope to be telling your friends what the air in Paradise smells like by this time in 2018, you’d better act fast.