Head Deacon Expertly Flings Collection Plate At Man Trying To Slip Out During Offering

UPPER CEDARS, IA—Drawing on years of disc golf and ultimate Frisbee experience, First Baptist Church’s head deacon Greg Boulden expertly flung a church offering plate at a man trying to slip out of the service to avoid the church’s offertory proceedings Sunday, knocking the man out cold, sources confirmed.

The man had begun to covertly scoot to the edge of the pew, and finally made a breakaway after the offertory prayer, but the church’s head deacon was ready, winding up and firing off his assigned offering plate with impeccable power and accuracy.

The faux gold money collection plate soared through the air, arcing upward before fading off to the left toward its target as the awed congregation looked on.

“Greg had perfect form,” one congregant said later. “He used a simple cross-step approach, led with his hips, and fired away with some mean wrist-snap action. It was a total ace.”

The would-be escapee never knew what hit him, according to witnesses. He instantly crumpled to the floor with a yelp of pain before a pair of assistant deacons quickly scooped him up and placed him back on his pew to experience the passive-aggressive looks of the ushers during the offertory like everybody else.

At publishing time, sources from within the church had confirmed the deacon had also tackled a man trying to escape a painfully bad church skit during the very same service.