PHOENIX, AZ—In an abandoned building somewhere in Phoenix’s warehouse district, a groggy, bound Wayne Grudem reportedly came to Wednesday with a splitting headache and lacerations on his face and hands.
“What . . . what happened? Where am I?” the theologian slurred as the effects of a cocktail of powerful sedatives began to wear off. Slowly, Dr. Grudem began recalling men in ski masks jumping him as he was taking out the trash roughly two weeks prior.
“This . . . my evil twin did this . . . I know it,” he reportedly muttered as he spotted a note on the floor next to him, sitting on top of a charging iPhone.
“Might want to check the Town Hall column that’s open in the Chrome browser,” the ominous letter read. “Your brother, Payne.”
Loosening the ropes around his hands and feet, Grudem opened the iPhone browser to discover, much to his horror, that his evil twin had penned an opinion article titled “Why Voting for Donald Trump is a Morally Good Choice” in his name.
“A morally good choice?” the respected author and theologian cried. “You fiend!”
Grudem was reportedly unable to continue reading the column after seeing the first bold header, which called Trump “A good candidate with flaws,” and smashed the iPhone to bits on the floor of the dilapidated warehouse, cursing his malevolent brother’s name.