‘What Has God Ever Done For Me?’ Asks Man Breathing Air

LYNNWOOD, WA—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local freethinker Jared Olson called into question the “absurd” idea that God had ever done anything for him, all while inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide in a complex process well beyond his mind’s capability of understanding in its entirety.

“The idea of ‘god’ is really just holding us back,” Olson opined, addressing the other members of the philosophy club at Edmonds Community College, as the membrane across his larynx vibrated to modulate the flow of air from his lungs, making his speech audible to the people listening, whose intricate ear structures then instantly transformed the invisible sound waves into abstract thought in their brain’s nervous tissue.

Olson went on to pursue the line of reasoning even further, claiming that mankind has science, medicine, and mathematics to thank for its continued existence rather than any sort of all-powerful creator, for which there is “absolutely no evidence.” According to eyewitnesses, he made these claims as the surface his feet rested on continued to spin around the earth’s core without any input from him, all while the only known habitable planet on which he stood rocketed around the center of the galaxy in perfect formation at the unfathomable rate of 490,000 miles per hour.

At one point during his expertly-crafted speech, Olson reportedly glanced around the room to observe the nods of approval from his peers, his eyes’ hundreds of millions of cone and rod cells responding to stimuli in an unimaginably sophisticated procedure. As these elaborate structures continued to capture and process an unbelievable volume of input per second, Olson reported he was all the more confident from the looks of those around him that he had proved his case.

According to Olson, he plans to detail religion’s negative influence on society at next week’s meeting, which is being held in the annex adjacent to both a Christian homeless shelter and Catholic hospital.