Genetic Engineers Develop Highly Effective New Species Of Protection Hedge

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Students and faculty at Texas A&M University have been working for years to create a better hedge of protection for Christians to pray over each other. Now it seems their hard work is finally paying off.

According to Dr. Hal Barton, leader of the research team, “There are three main criteria the ideal hedge of protection must meet. Namely, it must thrive in a wide range of physical and spiritual climates; it must be prickly, but not too prickly; and most importantly, it must be an effective barrier against the fiery darts of the Devil, so that means it has to have excellent fire-retardant properties. This latest generation of genetically enhanced protection hedges checks all the boxes, and is the best we’ve ever seen.”

Dr. Barton went on to explain how genetic code borrowed from cacti and yuccas allows the hedge to retain water even in dry climates, while genes from hemlock and manchineel trees make the leaves mildly poisonous to deter insects and demons. “The hedges do grow very quickly, so it is important to keep up with trimming them or they’ll get overgrown and messy. But as long as you take care of them, they’ll take care of you.”

The amount of spiritual protection provided by the hedges has proven difficult to test, and Dr. Barton noted that additional testing is required before the plants are ready for mass-production. “We need demons to really test these hedges, so we tried to form an occult studies department to summon them. But for some reason, university administration has been unwilling to allocate funding for such a department.”

At publishing time, students were documenting the most effective way to activate the hedges via prayer.