Frito-Lay Launches New ‘Man Doritos’ To Help Men Become Even Ruder Slobs

PLANO, TX—Snack food giant Frito-Lay announced Tuesday it will introduce a line of ‘man-friendly’ chips designed to help men achieve an even higher level of rudeness and sloppiness while eating, according to the company’s website.

The popular brand, which was reported to be working on a line of tidier and less crunchy ‘lady-friendly’ Doritos, also plans to cater to the innately male preference for louder and messier chewing. “We recognize that when men eat in public, they prefer to present themselves as the uncivilized, boorish Neanderthals they really are,” a spokesperson told reporters. “We’ve designed our new man-chips to provide the most annoying crunch, the maximum number of crumbs, and the sloppiest cheese coating so men can gleefully lick their fingers in an obnoxious manner that grosses out everyone in sight.”

The man-friendly chips will be packaged in a large bag that makes a crinkling sound equal to the decibel level of a jet engine, the spokesman confirmed.