Freeloading Bum Only Reads The Headlines

SAN ANTONIO, TX—A no-good, filthy, freeloading bum confirmed in a Facebook comment section Friday that he only reads the headlines, revealing that he totally fails to support his favorite satire site by clicking on the articles, reading, and sharing them for the amusement of his friends and family.

“I never read the actual stories, but these headlines are hilarious!” the complete and total mooch blatantly declared, according to sources. “So funny!”

The man also stated that “the comments are better than the article!” sources claimed, despite the fact that he seldom if ever bothers to click through and read the full body of text itself, which the site’s writers carefully labor over for hours each day.

The heartless, bloodsucking leech, who apparently has no idea how the site’s meager ad revenue keeps the lights on and puts food on the table for its humble writers, reportedly enjoys the funny punchlines painstakingly crafted to make him laugh every single day. But despite benefiting from the site’s quality content, the man can’t remember the last time he’s clicked on an article and offered up a visit and some page views.

Only ever chuckling at the headlines, the scavenger of a man seemed to be totally ignorant of how websites cover web hosting costs in an increasingly competitive marketplace which is seeing a steady decline in ad revenue, nor did he seem to realize that failing to ever actually visit the site essentially made him a total freeloader of the site’s content.

“I’m a huge fan of that site. Really great stuff,” he reportedly told a friend recently, not letting on that he only ever scrolls through the site’s Facebook and Twitter feeds and has never once actually read an entire article the site published, despite the satire news organization’s hundreds of quality opinion pieces, news stories, and features published several times each day for nearly two years.

At publishing time, the man was not reading this sentence because he’s a freeloading mooch.