Food Consumed At Church Functions Does Not Count Toward Daily Caloric Intake, Nutritionists Confirm

MADISON, WI—Confirming an age-old rumor among churchgoers, world-class nutritionists at the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s Food Research Institute announced Thursday that any and all food consumed on church grounds or at a church function is exempt from counting toward one’s caloric intake for the day.

“We’ve done numerous exhaustive studies on this and can now say without a doubt that calories consumed at church simply are not absorbed by the body,” UW Food Research Institute Lead Nutritionist Philip Reed said at a press event announcing the findings. “We have no scientific explanation for this at the moment—it seems to be some sort of miraculous event that takes place inside the body of a believer when he or she is consuming delicious baked goods in the house of God.”

At this point wild cheering erupted in the conference room where his presentation was taking place, forcing Reed to pause for several moments before continuing.

“Whether it’s a potluck, some tasty treats brought to Bible study, or your annual church picnic, rest assured that none of the food you consume at church is subject to the normal nutritional guidelines.”

At publishing time, Christians across the nation were thinking that they should probably sign up for one more small group.