CANTON, MI—A FEMA disaster response team was called in to clean up a local woman’s 2016 Chrysler Town and Country after the minivan was declared to be an “unprecedented” disaster, sources close to the mother of three young boys confirmed Friday.
Dozens of trained cleanup crew members swarmed the scene, carefully placing the vehicle under quarantine and extracting thousands of questionable, sticky substances using state-of-the-art technology.
“We estimate that the equivalent of 48 bags of Cheetos were crushed into the carpeting and seat cracks,” a FEMA ecologist onsite said. “We’ve never seen a toxic Cheeto spill of this magnitude before—this may rival the Deepwater Horizon spill in terms of ecological impact for years to come.”
Workers continued to bravely venture into the fallout zone surrounding the vehicle well into the night, removing rock-hard, half-eaten McDonald’s cheeseburgers, Nintendo 3DS games lodged in the cracks of the seats, lunch meats, pizzas, a plethora of salty snacks and/or their wrappers, various half-pairs of womans’ and kids’ shoes, and even children’s underwear with visible fumes slowly rising from their innards.
All materials retrieved from the van were immediately destroyed with an industrial-grade incinerator, “for the good of the environment.”