Feelings Now Acceptable As Answers To Math Problems

WASHINGTON, D.C.—An update issued Tuesday to the 2017–2018 Common Core educational standards now allows students to answer mathematics problems by responding with whatever their feelings are telling them at the time.

One example problem given to illustrate the updated standards asked students to figure out when a 6:00 a.m. train leaving Boston at thirty miles per hour and a 7:00 a.m. Milwaukee train headed the opposite direction at forty miles per hour will intersect. A list of possible solutions to the sample problem published in the Common Core standards obtained by reporters indicated that “Ugh,” “I’m offended,” “Triggered,” “Trains scare me,” “Boston scares me,” “Milwaukee scares me,” and “Kill yourself,” would all be scored as correct.

“Any emotion, feeling, statement, or catchphrase is an acceptable answer to most of the problems in the new mathematics standards,” a Common Core representative told reporters. “As long as students are being sincere, genuine, authentic, and true to themselves at the time they are answering the question, that’s all we can ask as educators.”

“Who are we to tell anyone that their own mathematical truth is wrong?” the rep added.

According to the rep, the Common Core standards will be updated next year to include feelings as acceptable responses to any and all questions pertaining to biology, chemistry, grammar, and history, while sources claim that English literature teachers have already been accepting emotions as responses for years.