Family Christian Stores Introduces New False Teaching Section

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Responding to customer complaints alleging that works from well-known false teachers were mixed in with biblically sound material in the company’s bookstores, Family Christian Stores announced Tuesday morning that all books by apostates will be immediately removed from their shelves and separated into their own easy-to-find section.

“We’ve heard the public outcry against our profiting from the sale of damnable heresy,” a Family Christian spokesperson wrote in a statement. “But fear not—we’ve worked hard to pull all the books by dangerous false teachers like Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, and T.D. Jakes, and move them under our new ‘False Teaching’ section so they’ll be much easier to locate.”

According to the statement, Family Christian Stores sales associates will be provided with additional training to help customers navigate the new section of false doctrine. “Our sales floor personnel will be given the very best instruction possible, to help customers discern which false teacher they’d like to get moral guidance and wacky theological ideas from with each visit to our stores.”

Speaking to reporters, an FCS sales director estimated that the “False Teaching” section is expected to take up the bulk of each store’s sales floor space, and will make up the lion’s share of company revenue going forward.