Our investigative team at The Babylon Bee (consisting of one 16-year-old kid on the internet who told us he had some good computer hacking skills and begged us to work here) has been granted an exclusive inside scoop on seven upcoming Disney princesses, confirmed to our investigator by an inside source at the Walt Disney Company.
Disney has reportedly been inspired to be more inclusive with its fair ladies, taking motivation from a recent Twitter post by a Planned Parenthood chapter that demanded a wider range of intersectional royalty in its cartoon films for children.
While the names of the princesses and their films have not yet been revealed, we have been able to confirm the general plot and princess character of each of these upcoming films:
- A transgender Disney princess who identifies as both an Nvidia GTX 1070 graphics card and a blue dragon-elf named Xander. This powerful warrior will spend most of xer time in the film throwing anyone who use the incorrect pronoun while addressing xer into a dungeon for reeducation, according to our source. Better be careful if you plan on telling xer xe doesn’t actually have 8GB of GDDR5 VRAM!
- A fierce Disney princess who volunteers as an abortion doctor for a local Planned Parenthood on the side. By day, she plays with adorable cartoon rodents in the woods. By night, she violently ends the lives of unborn children in a seedy Planned Parenthood abortion clinic. Sign us up for this one!
- A feminist Disney princess who kills all men. This unstoppable feminist freedom fighter will be shown murdering her husband after he mansplains something to her in order to begin the uprising against the Patriarchy. Slay, princess, slay!
- A Disney princess who uncovers an evil plot by her uncle to steal the throne, but rather than arm herself to stop him, begins a national protest movement to ban guns from law-abiding citizens. Upon discovering that her uncle wants to usurp the throne, she phones some powerful anti-gun lobbying groups and gets them to fund her “national movement” for gun control. Some animals sing a song about it in the woods. Sounds like a great time!
- An environmentalist Disney princess who ties herself to a tree to stop it from being cut down. Our source reliably informs us most of the film shows the princess yelling at bulldozer operators until they finally forcibly remove her from the private property the old oak tree is growing on. A tragic heroine!
- A 42-year-old mechanical engineer named Bob who identifies as a Disney princess. What, you don’t think Bob can be a fabulous Disney princess? Um, why are you such a bigot tho??
- A Disney princess who merely lectures the viewer for the entire 90 minutes on diversity and intersectionality in lieu of any plot or action. This is the film we’re looking forward to the most. Rather than provide interesting characters and a fun plot with talking animals, this movie will simply be a far-left lecture with an inspiring, be-yourself anthem over the credits. We can’t wait to bring our kids to this one!!
The future for Disney films has never looked brighter. Thanks, Disney, and a special thanks to Planned Parenthood for its inspiring tweet!