NEW YORK, NY - Horrifying reports out of New York City indicated that oppressive Christians have begun an all-out assault on secular New York citizens, by attacking them with delicious Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches.

The opening of several Chick-fil-A locations throughout the city confirmed New Yorkers' worst fears, that Christians had begun a brutal offensive consisting primarily of offering tasty chicken sandwiches to hungry citizens who would like to eat them.

"This is a Christian-fueled hate crime on par with the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, and the Crusades," one author wrote in The New Yorker. "These Christian crusaders must be stopped, before everyone in New York City gets a quality meal with excellent service at a decent price. Think of the children!"

At publishing time, Christian cultural war strategists had announced plans to open a new front in the culture war by launching a new Hobby Lobby location in Manhattan.