ESPN Launches Fantasy Preaching Software

BRISTOL, CT—Expanding its wide range of fantasy offerings like baseball, football, and basketball, popular website and sports news empire ESPN has finally added free fantasy preaching software to its website, sources confirmed Monday.

ESPN’s proprietary software will track stats like conversions, Greek words utilized per minute, arm movement, and Scripture references in real time. Participants will draft their dream team of fantasy preachers and decide which ones to place in their lineup’s various positions, like the all-important Head Pastor slot, several associate pastors, and even a closer for sealing the deal at altar calls.

“If you like the idea of a fantasy league, but you’re more interested in John Piper’s exegesis than Le’Veon Bell’s rushing yards, this is the program for you,” ESPN.com’s head programmer John Charles told reporters. “It’s a great, fun way to track the stats of your favorite all-star preachers while having some great competition—err, sorry, I mean, ‘fellowship’ with your friends and church family.”

Company programmers provided a live demo of the program Sunday, showing how league participants can check in on their fantasy teams from their computers or even from their mobile app during church.

“Wow, [Paul] Washer just scored a five-point conversion—he converted someone to Calvinism,” the rep giving the demo said, showing how the fiery preacher’s stats suddenly shot up on the live scoring summary page. “I knew I shouldn’t have benched a reliable workhorse like Washer for an up-and-coming prospect like [J.D.] Greear.”

ESPN further confirmed the company’s plans to launch fantasy church janitorial leagues later this fall.