Entirety Of Congress To Preemptively Resign Over Sexual Improprieties

WASHINGTON, D.C.—All 535 members of Congress announced Friday that they would resign from office, effective immediately, over a vast array of sexual improprieties yet to be named.

“In light of allegations that may come out about each of us at some point in the future—allegations which we simultaneously deny and deeply, sincerely apologize for—we have decided to resign from our offices at once,” members of the Senate and House of Representatives said in a joint statement released to the public.

“We hope and trust that any foolish mistakes that might be revealed about us will not tarnish our individual legacies of being champions of women, steadfast defenders of moral values, and people who went to bed at night and woke up in the morning—wherever we may have been at the time—thinking about how we could best serve our constituents.”

With that, the government officials thanked the public for their support, and announced that they would be taking some time to rest at their lake houses and country clubs and spend some time with their families.

At publishing time, salacious and compromising information had been revealed about each member’s chosen replacement, causing a total shutdown of the American legislature.