Don’t Let Today’s News Distract You From The Fact That I’m Still Fleecing People Out Of Millions Of Dollars

Look, I get it. It’s easy to look at the headlines each morning and get distracted by all of the day’s current events—whether it’s the possibility of war breaking out abroad or the corrupt actions of our politicians at home. Sometimes it seems like there’s some new threat to our way of living every time you flip on the tube or pull up Facebook!

There’s a lot of white noise out there, and I don’t want any of it to distract you from this one important fact:

It’s 2017, and I’m still fleecing people out of millions upon millions of dollars in the name of Jesus.

Can we just talk about this for a bit? I mean, you’d think people would have figured out my game by now. But it’s smooth sailing all the way for me! From the Clinton administration and all his crazy scandals, to George W. Bush’s wars in the Middle East, to Obama’s shenanigans, all the way through Trump, I’ve been quietly in the background, straight-up exploiting people under the guise of Christian ministry.

Although times are hectic as ever, let me assure you that I am still here, doing what I’ve always done. And brother, sister—business is good.

Shoot, I even asked my victims to buy me a luxury private jet! Like, the most expensive private jet money can buy. I said I needed it to “preach the gospel.” And you people barely noticed me! I really can’t help but feel like I’m getting overlooked here.

So no matter what happens on the news today or tomorrow—whether it’s a North Korean nuclear launch or some nefarious scheming in Moscow or Washington—don’t let any of it distract you from the most important fact of all: I’m still scamming people out of a ridiculous amount of their hard-earned cash in the name of Jesus, every single day.